nutcracker outside williams sonoma

'I hope you come back ten pounds lighter'. Those cold hearted words will forever be seared in my memory. They were the final straw of a marriage which should have ended long ago or never happened in the first place. Instead of hearing how I will be missed, how I was loved, I was sent off with those ruthless words as I readied myself for my trip to Scotland last November. 

No woman or man should ever be subjected to such emotional abuse. I saw the signs before we got married but failed to take them to heart. My father had just died when I met my ex and I had also recently ended my first marriage, having had to move from Colorado to California during the cold winter months after my first husband decided one day he no longer wanted to be married after a mere 13 months. It was his second marriage and he had just retired from the Special Forces division in the Army. It took me a while but I eventually recovered from the aftermath of the first marriage and started a new career in Information Technology.

I wanted out of my second marriage years ago but circumstances were such that I was unable to find a way to leave, particularly with children so young. Many other cruel words were exchanged a month later as it became apparent I wanted out of the marriage. 'You never did anything meaningful in your life except have a family'. Those words were spoken last December via a phone call from Berlin. December 12th, to be exact. I know because I wrote down the words as he spoke them to me. Anger resonated in his voice but anger is no excuse for such cruelty.

I did the best I could in the circumstances given but I wished no longer to be in a loveless marriage where the belief was that work is more important than family. Albeit we all need money in order to survive, work should never come before family. Marriage is not a business as he often stated to me. There are certain roles each has in a marriage but without love it is simply a business transaction. Lesson learned...if a man is unhappy with your body and cannot accept you for who you are, he is not worth your time. No matter what.

I wanted to be alone after our marriage ended. In my mind, my marriage ended well before my trip to Scotland. We had discussed divorce earlier that summer, sitting outside one night whilst drinking wine. If we did not have children, I explained that night, I would have left long ago. I had no desire to date anyone after we separated and entertained thoughts of sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace reading a book and not having to worry about anyone but me and my children.

Along came my boyfriend to disrupt all of my plans of living alone for the rest of my life. He says the same of meeting me as he had been alone for years after his divorce and had no intentions of having a relationship or ever getting married again. His simple and comfortable life in Ireland came to an end the moment we met. I resisted the growing relationship at first, pushing him away many times. He never gave up even though I did at times.

As the year comes to a close, I wish to sit and reflect on the past year and all the things which led up to this point in time. I wish simply to let it go. To move on with my new life in the new year. Every day is an experience to make things better than the day before. The past is gone, the present is here, the future is yet to come.