The screen went blank. After four hours of us talking on Skype in what appeared to me a happy conversation, he said ‘goodbye’. In the last ten or so minutes of our conversation I told him we needed to think about our decision to either continue on this difficult journey or end this. If we ended this, I told him, it would be for good this time. No emails. No Viber. No Skype. No checking my blog. I meant this in a realistic manner. I told him I wanted to continue on this difficult journey with him but he did not want the same.
‘Ok, so goodbye’. Those words hit me hard as I did not expect them. Especially after he repeatedly proclaimed his love for me. ‘Love you too’ would be his last words on Viber. My heart stopped for a moment as this was the last thing I expected.
There were many times in the past where we gave up. Me more than him. But he never gave up until now. Another text came through a few moments ago…’Yes. That is what I want. It’s better for you.’ Really? How do you know what is better for me?!
My children were looking forward to meeting him soon. I have disappointed them once again. I have failed at love once again. Perhaps love is not in the cards for me. I cannot think at this moment. I never expected things to end this way.
Today I told him I was looking for tickets to come see him next month because waiting until October is too long a time. He said he would not have time off from work and not have enough money saved up for us to go somewhere. I simply wanted to be with him. Wherever that may be.
Numb is the feeling washing over me now. Why me? Why again? There will be no more ‘Good morning, my love.’ No more ‘Sweet dreams. I love you.’ No more planning for a future together.
Better for me? No. Better for you. I wish you all the best. Things could have been good. I don’t understand why. I never will. Never.