ON THE BRINK

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As the last week of May draws to a close, I ponder the events of the past five months of the year. June is a mere three days away as is the end of another school year for the children and another month nowhere closer to living together as a new family with my boyfriend.

January saw me welcoming the new year with my two youngest children but without the oldest and one again without him. February was the month my oldest returned from her six-month long stay in Berlin only to have me leave for close to three weeks to Ireland. March found me looking for another place to live whilst April led to my regretting my choice to move.

Now as May is nearly over, I wonder when or if the boxes which made their way into the house will ever get sorted. Rationalising the two sides of the argument brings me no closer to a resolution since many uncertainties lie in wait. Steady employment is still on the forefront of my thoughts as this first job assignment in nine years comes to an end tomorrow.

How much more difficult things will be before they get better, I wonder. What challenges, excitements, and decisions will June be bringing before us, my contemplation continues. July I will not see the children at all since they will be with their father. Then August the cycle starts again with the beginning of a new year at school for the children.

The reality of being alone is never far from both of our minds. Though he has friends and a roommate and I have my children every other week, the feeling of aloneness dominates our thoughts more as the time we spend apart increases. At such time we make the mistake of taking out our frustrations on each other when we should instead be working on getting closer to one another.

Simple things become a burden and something we tend to avoid. Sleep becomes hard to come by as we lie awake wondering when an end will come to our being apart. We find ourselves on the brink of something we have little control. Close to a dream, yet still far away.

Seven months remain in this not-so-new-anymore year. Seven months where things could turn around for us so we can move from a state of mere survival to one of living a fulfilled and content life as we envisioned living by the end of the year. More patience is needed though there never seems to be enough patience when we need it the most.